Just for Men (2)

Not Enough Moaning
Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.
She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having
an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?
I’ve always been a good wife. I’ve cooked for you, raised
your children, and have always been by your side for 35
years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Morris replied, "It’s true, Sadie, you've been the best
wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but
one. You never moan when we have sex."
Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop
running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show
you that I can moan during sex."
They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into
bed.
As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I
moan now?"
He said, "No, not yet."
He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now?
Should I moan now?"
He said, "No, I'll tell you when."
He climbed on top of her and started to move on her.
She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
He said, "Wait, wait, I’ll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to
finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan! Moan!"
She said, "Oy, you wouldn’t believe what a day I had..."


Attractive Woman
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I’m afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."


One Missing Girl
George came home one day, very excited.
"Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Jean, "they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!"

Jean responded "That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!"


Hiding The Pets
A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"


New Tatoo
This lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the guy to put a tattoo of a
turkey on her upper right thigh. She goes back to the same tattoo parlor
two weeks later and asks him to tattoo a picture of a Christmas tree on
her upper left thigh.

Stumped, the guy finally decides to ask her why she wants these tattoos.

She said, "I'm tired of my husband complaining every year that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."


Not Satisfied
A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” she says, “my husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore.”

“Hmm,” replies the doctor. “Have you considered taking a lover?”

“I did that,” she says, “and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me.”

“How about taking another lover?”

“I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough.”

“My goodness,” says the doctor, “you’re quite an anomaly.”

“Oh, thank God,” says the woman. “Will you please tell them I’m an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut.”


30-40 Years Left
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"


Nice Smelling Hair
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."